Professor Karl Heider-Schnapps, head of children’s studies
at a university no one’s heard of, says that children who start using
profanities under the age of 3 score higher in IQ tests than those who use
replacement words such as “sugar”, “fudge” and “bother”.
“Our study shows that children who respond to frustrating
situations by using swearwords actually score 43% higher on average in IQ
tests,” says Professor Heider-Schnapps. “We took a group of five foul mouthed
children between the ages of 1 and 3 and compared their results to a control
group of five angelic little cherubs. The results were literally gobsmacking.”
The professor and his team put the children in a room with
some jigsaws and a toy train and left them to play. Once they were happily
engaged, a member of the academic team would enter the room and wordlessly
snatch the toy that the child was playing with away from them. Each child’s
response was recorded.
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| Potty-mouthed children at play |
“We had varying responses, ranging from the silent welling
up of tears, to yelps of ‘Nooo! Mummy!’ to what I think was the most promising
of responses, ‘Give me my f***ing train back you b*****d’,” says the professor.
“It was a breakthrough moment and made me cry a little bit with joy.”
In fact, the research shows that young children who are able
to swear in context are likely to be the real high fliers in later life.
The young man mentioned above astounded his parents when he
muttered “For f**k’s sake mother” at the age of just 2, when his mum failed to
provide him with his favourite flavour of fromage frais at teatime. He scored
highest in the IQ tests, but in a cruel twist of fate, his mum still can’t take
him to Waitrose unless he’s asleep in his buggy.
Another of the most profane of the children is now being
forced to apply for Oxbridge by her mother. “I’m really keen for Poppy to go to
Oxford to study English literature,
as she has such a flair for the English language,” explains mum Camilla
Sporrall. “But she’s peppered the application form with phrases such as ‘Chaucer’s
an illiterate tosser’ and ‘Shakespeare is s**t’. I can see that it means she’s
a 3-year-old genius, but will the masters see it that way?”
Professor Heider-Schnapps is disproportionately excited
about the research findings.
“It just goes to show that being a potty-mouthed w****r from
an early age really does get you on in life,” he concludes.
Top 5 swearwords that show your child could be Einstein:
- F**k
- P**s
- W****r
- S**t
- B*****d
